**TRIGGER WARNING** (death too young)
I guess I’ll never be ‘ready’ for this post, but hearing about one of my fellow Sailors passing way before his time has definitely stirred enough in me to talk/write about it.
One of my friends who I met at one of my first jobs told us ‘you know you’re getting old when your friends start dying’ 😳
Sadly, he wasn’t wrong… and ironically he was gone before we turned 30 😞
My first serious goodbye to someone close to me (who wasn’t an older family member) was John, and those of you who know me well, know that this is something that changed me forever.
I met John on my first spring break ever when I first visited Jenna at UT… When I first met him, I was instantly attracted to him and I was SO excited when he immediately showed interest in me. He was so different from anyone I had already dated, he asked my permission before he kissed me for the first time… he held doors open for me, went around to the other side of the car to open my door before his… he would light my cigarette before his (I smoked for a few years when alcohol was involved when I was younger 😫🤢… gross, I know). We had SO MUCH FUN that week 😃. I got my tongue pierced, we went out dancing, we went out drinking, he took me to my first gay club and we blasted NYC Underground Volume 3 while driving over the causeways ❤️😍.
I always had the feeling that he wouldn’t be in my life forever, and at first I assumed it was because I met him on spring break 🤷♀️. As the week went on and we got to know each other, I learned that he was also from Long Island… but I still didn’t think I would see him after I left Tampa.
The summer started, and I was shocked when John reached out to me. I wasn’t sure who it was at first… I was legitimately confused when I did figure out it was him: (I thought this was a spring break thing?) We saw each other on and off that summer. He came to visit me at Marist in the fall of my sophomore year and we had a blast. I still have a small scar on my left hand where he put his cigarette out (he didn’t realize it was my hand). I went back to Long Island for a weekend without telling my family so I could hang out with him… he took me jet-skiing on the south shore, we went out for sushi and got to spend time together😍🥰 it was so much fun!
We had so many awesome adventures together😊 surfing at his favorite spot, dropping everything to go dancing in the city at midnight, clubbing till dawn, snowboarding in Jersey, rollerblading in Central Park, sneaking into Kings Park, hanging out in the park behind my house ❤️ I could go on and on with how many awesome memories we made 🥰
We had a tumultuous relationship though… my confidence was very limited then, and I assume his was as well… and I think it contributed to the instability of the relationship 😔 I was too young and too involved to see that he cared for me and this led to YEARS of us messing with each other… on again off again type stuff (which is very unlike me- meaning that when I’m done, I’m typically done)… but John was (and is) John to me ❤️ .
I was 23 when he unexpectedly passed away and to say I was shook by it is probably one of fhe biggest understatements of my life. At the time, John and I were fighting… and that meant not speaking to each other, which wasn’t unusual for us… but it made it so much more difficult to heal from. We had fallen into a fighting/talking pattern years before, and it stuck, despite the fact that we were older and trying to make it work.
I was back at my catering job and I was working a party that was extended at the last minute… I was expediting at the time, so I was in charge of setting up the last minute Viennese after hours table that the guests just added on and I was literally so busy I couldn’t get to my phone until after the party was over. 🤷♀️ I was supposed to go up to Jersey after work so we could snowboard the next day… When the party was over, I saw all the missed calls and texts, and tried to reach out in every way I had… but he wouldn’t answer me 😔 He thought I was cheating on him (which I always thought was insane bc he was the most beautiful guy I’d ever been with). He never answered another phone call/text/email from me… 😢 and that messed with me more than I ever expected 😔
I have so many memories with him ❤️ I hope to get most of them in writing so I don’t forget more than I already have ❤️. It’s taken me YEARS to be able to talk about this without crying. About 3 years ago a friend invited me to a group reading for her friend who was practicing to be a medium and that experience was probably the biggest factor in changing my mindset around my relationship with John, and ultimately helped me heal that major wound. That experience is a story for another day and post though.
Of course saying goodbye was one of the worst things I’ve experienced and not knowing that it was OK to not be OK made it much more difficult and drawn out. I spent a very long time pretending like I was ok and denying my feelings. Learning how to unpack emotionally devastating things like this has been very difficult, but truly the key to moving forward.
#heartbreak #loss #younglove #springbreak #emotions #emotional #devastating #heartbroken #greatlove #majorimpact #adventure #memories #love #toosoon #tooyoung #NYCundergroundvol3
Once Upon a Lifetime 