Once Upon a Lifetime

One of the biggest risks I’ve ever taken was getting out of the Navy after almost 9 years of service and that ultimately led to me leaving my ex-husband as well.  So many people thought I was crazy for not staying in for 20 years, but having Maddie changed me more than I ever expected.  At the time, I was still married to my ex and he was not on board for this change… we met in South Carolina when we were both stationed with the last Navy squadron on a marine base.  We only knew each other in the Navy and he was concerned about the change in income.  I was going back to school and using the GI Bill, so it wasn’t like my income completely stopped, but it was about 5 weeks between getting out and classes starting. 

I knew I needed to get out of the Navy after I had my daughter.  Becoming a mother changed me in ways I couldn’t imagine before she arrived, and what was once a highly promising career quickly turned into a nightmare.  Part of the nightmare was my failing marriage and how little support I had from my partner (among other issues).  It didn’t take me very long to figure out that I’m the one who gives my daughter what she needs, no matter what and that leaving her for months at a time for deployment just wasn’t an option. 

I wasn’t 100% set on what I was going to finish my degree in when I separated from the Navy, I was considering finishing my bachelor’s in biology to become a teacher or trying to pursue nursing (which I had considered several times over the years but didn’t have the best grades).  I came across a local EMT program that started in the fall following my transition out of the navy, which I thought would make me more competitive for nursing school.  I applied and was accepted and started in the fall of 2018.  EMT school in Florida is one semester long, so I was planning on doing that program, then moving when my then husband transferred to shore duty at the start of 2019… but from the first day of EMT school, I fell in love and finally felt like I was where I was meant to be, and I just couldn’t see myself stopping after EMT.  One of my EMT instructors was the paramedic program instructor, so I inadvertently learned about the paramedic program alongside EMT. 

My ex-husband was due to transfer to shore duty in January of 2019 and he was selected for orders to San Diego around the time I started EMT school.  Initially, we planned to move as a family to San Diego, rent our home in Jacksonville and I would get a job as an EMT in San Diego.  I had always hoped for orders to San Diego when I was in the navy; I loved the area and traveled there even before I enlisted so a big part of me was excited to live there for a few years.  I thought I would be able to go to paramedic school in San Diego, but the more I learned about EMS during EMT school, it became obvious that the only 2 programs available in that area of California were sub-par, to put it mildly… it was half the length of the program offered by the school I was attending for EMT, didn’t cover material required for the national registry and I couldn’t use my GI Bill to pay for it.  The more I learned and experienced in school, the more I felt the pull to apply to the paramedic program.

I had talked about it with my ex a few times at the beginning of the program and he was pretty set on us all going to San Diego, so I tried to push it from my mind.  The time to choose where we would live in San Diego came towards the end of EMT school, and one of my only wishes was to get a 3 bedroom house since we would be so far from family.  Both of our families live on the east coast, so if anyone was gonna come visit, it probably wouldn’t be for just a night or two, so I wanted an actual guest room.  Ex didn’t want to pay the rent on a 3 bedroom house, so I applied to the paramedic program and didn’t tell him at first.  Once I was accepted, I brought it up again and was met with even more resistance than the first few discussions…. I couldn’t shake the feeling that going to California was a terrible idea…. I had almost accepted the whole plan with the condition that we would rent a 3 bedroom home, but my ex reserved a 2 bedroom home in base housing over dinner towards the end of the semester.  That was a real turning point for me.  I was so upset and conflicted, and my ex just didn’t seem to give 2 craps about my input. 

I called my brother when we got home from that dinner and I told him what happened and how trapped I felt… if it weren’t for that conversation that night, I don’t know what I would have done.  My brother listened to everything and told me that I wasn’t trapped…. but if I went to California with my ex, I would be.  I said to myself,  God, and the universe, etc that if I was meant to stay in Jacksonville and do the paramedic program that I would find an apartment in my meager budget within a narrow move in date the next day.  If it wasn’t meant to be, then there wouldn’t be anywhere reasonable for me to move 🤷‍♀️ The next morning I went for a drive and within a couple of hours I had found an apartment that fit my budget, was in a decent area and had a move in time that lined up with leaving the house so I made my decision to accept the spot in the paramedic program. 

Telling my ex and his family was awful… they gave me a very hard time.  I felt like they didn’t give a crap about me, I was just a vessel that produced their first grandchild (to date).  I met resistance in my plan daily until my ex actually left for California… he tried everything from bargaining to berating and everything in between.  He even enlisted his parents.  His dad had this long conversation with me when he told me that “I have his attention now, so I can get him to make any changes I have wanted to see before this.”  That conversation was so troublesome that I cried the rest of the day after.  But it didn’t change my mind… if anything, it further reinforced that I needed to stay and go to paramedic school and separate from my ex. 

My ex and I had been having problems since I had Maddie.  I couldn’t tell if I was just overwhelmed with being a new mom or if my feelings for him had changed.  Once he went to California, I only felt relief and more and more peace.  I have not missed him for a second since he left in January of 2019.  When I decided to stay in Jax for school, I thought maybe the break would help us; sometimes relationships need to breathe… and I surely wasn’t breathing with him around.  Getting that distance from him was one of the most profound and helpful changes I have ever made.  The more time I was away from him, the more I saw how toxic our relationship was and just how manipulative he and his family were and how slow and insidious that manipulation was. 

Getting through paramedic school as a single mom with a 2 year old was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  Still to this day when people ask me how I did it, I don’t really know the answer other than when something is meant to be, the universe will help in ways you probably couldn’t imagine.  My paramedic class started out with over 20 students in it… by the time the program ended, I was one of 3 in the original cohort.  The instructor was difficult and excellent.  He didn’t subscribe to any nonsense and had a very effective way of weeding out anyone who wasn’t serious or cut out for EMS.  I always seemed to understand where he was coming from, the consequences of what would happen if he wasn’t hard on his students, and made absolute sure they knew their stuff.  This program also helped me get over a certain level of perfectionism that had disabled me in the past from ever finishing college.  I vowed to myself that I would show up every day, no matter what I felt like, no matter what it looked like and just take a shot.  Some days were better than others.  I discovered that I learn best when I’m put on the spot and forced to regurgitate everything in front of people, so I volunteered for every opportunity to practice scenarios in class, and it was never perfect… but I learned a ton.  I learned so much about EMS, but even more about myself.  I learned that the more uncomfortable I was, the more I not only learned, but also retained! 

These 2 examples are probably the biggest I’ve encountered so far in my life, and I don’t want to know where I would be now if I didn’t take them.  It took years to see meaningful and measurable changes in some areas, which obviously took a great deal of work. 

I think even if a risk doesn’t turn out desired results, there’s usually some great lessons that come with adversity- if you’re open to learning. 

***I have a great job that I got halfway through my last semester of paramedic school.  I had no idea jobs like this existed before I went to EMT school, but I’m grateful every day that they do.  Going through paramedic school and getting the job I have now have been 2 of my biggest blessings- right up there with having Maddie.