Once Upon a Lifetime

Freedom means EVERYTHING to me! 

I could probably leave this post with just that sentence, and those who know me best would know exactly what that means. 

I remember when I was growing up, I felt so suffocated, so trapped.  It was completely unacceptable to my parents (but mostly my dad) for me to be myself.  I learned at a very young age that having feelings and expressing them was also completely unacceptable.  This would lead to my entire family coming up with names for me if I were to express any emotion other than happiness or contentment.  I’d say by the time my brother was born (I was 3)… I learned to be agreeable. 

Growing up as the first born in not only my immediate family but also the first grandchild/cousin on both sides of the family exposed me to a lot, both good and bad.  I always felt like my life was under review from not only my parents but my grandparents and sometimes my aunt’s and uncle’s.  I always assumed this was because I was a kid, living with my parents, so this meant that all these adults were entitled to a say in my life… I do remember my parents saying something to the effect of “as long as you live under my roof, you have to… (fill in blank).

In my opinion, I didn’t really gain my own freedom until I was 26, and I enlisted in the Navy.  I had done many things before then to try to secure my freedom, but none actually materialized.  It’s pretty wild that enlisting in the military was one of the most freeing actions I’ve ever taken.  I remember trying to explain that to some of my friends at home… that even though it was one of the most restrictive things I’d ever done, I’d never felt more free.  Such an interesting dichotomy.

The Navy gave me the tools I needed to truly move forward in life.  I really enjoyed (most of) my time in the Navy… I met some of the best friends and people I will ever know, learned many hard but good lessons in work ethic and leadership… but I think my biggest takeaway came when I became a parent.  Becoming a mother changed me more than I ever imagined… not that I had any realistic idea what to expect.  Once I had Maddie, I knew the Navy wasn’t going to work for me anymore.  (I had reenlisted for 5 years when I was 9 months pregnant with her because I was THAT sure that I wanted to stay Navy).  The monumental change and challenge that motherhood was for me truly shook me to my core… I sometimes say that motherhood will cut you open and force all your insides out, then it’s up to you to pick up what is worth keeping… if that sounds dramatic… IT’S WORSE IN REAL LIFE!  But once you have your own self reckoning and understand and accept what is truly important to you, things (should) get easier.

Things did NOT get easier for me once I realized that the Navy no longer aligned with my life.  I was married at that time, so I had another layer of resistance to break through while I was working on undoing the 3rd contract I signed while 9 months pregnant. 

I don’t often discuss what my life was like once Maddie was born… I don’t know that I can ever put it into words… but I do know that having her changed me more than I ever imagined it could.  I felt (and still feel) a fierce need to protect and be here for her.  I was heartbroken from seeing how much my ex-husband lacked everything that I wanted and needed in a partner at such a critical time in my (and our) life.  Seeing what “my partner” was and what he was doing was nothing short of earth shattering for me at that point… nothing that I did or didn’t do mattered to him and our relationship.  I ended up in the darkest place (mentally) I’ve ever been.  I didn’t want to give up on the Navy at that point.  It had given me so much that was very difficult to achieve on my own before, but I also knew that if I stayed, I was absolutely have to leave the love of my life (my daughter) and I was not at all confident that her dad was even remotely able to give her the bare minimum of what she needs and deserves. 

SO, all of that leads me to how I got out of the Navy, went back to school, started a new career, divorced my toxic ex-husband and started living my life according to my own standards and priorities.  I now know that I thrive on autonomy and freedom.  I cringe when I think of some of the situations I was caught up with in the past.  I can finally breathe.  I can finally think straight.  I can decide what is best for my daughter and I… and that is EVERYTHING to me.